Unmasked

Today I had my second CBT appointment. Why does it hurt so much and feel so wrong to think about myself? (And by that, I mean think clearly and truthfully about myself, not that I have never put myself first; I may play the martyr on occasion, but I'm certainly no saint).

It would seem that, in order to deal properly with my depression I first have to address my "social anxiety." I personally thought these things were one and the same, but on closer examination the social anxiety has been with me far longer and is contributing to my move from the mild depression I could cope with (with occasional counselling sessions in times of stress) to the moderate depression that now has me taking medication just to be able to function from one day to the next.

Today's session made me realise that I have been locked in a cycle of unhealthy "masking & coping" activities since I was about 5 years old, and that the things I thought were just part of me being me were actually my mind's attempts at dealing with the situations that scared me. And (giant blow to my ego here) those behaviours I engaged in are very typical. Almost boringly so.

Stopping drinking alcohol was the thing that made my anxiety come to the surface. I knew I was using it as a crutch to get through social situations, but hadn't realised the extent to which I relied on it. People use alcohol and drugs because they work. They numb the pain, mask the anxiety, shut down the awful voice in your head that tells you you are not good enough and never will be. Problem is, in not facing up to these feelings, they get bigger and stronger. They feed on the weakness left behind by avoidance.

I am not saying I'll never drink alcohol again, I still occasionally have a small glass of wine with my dinner, but I never want to end up needing it just to function. I've seen first hand what that does to a person. It's not pretty, especially when it's someone you love and look up to. My kids deserve better than that.

So, am I strong enough to keep going with this process? I don't know. It really, really hurts and I am scared of finding out that underneath all my barriers is someone I don't recognise and don't like. But I'm going to try.