The "R" word

My younger son (A.) and I have apologies to make.

This evening, after dinner, A. went out to play with the local kids in the strip of green outside our block of flats, where a boy hit him and gave him a bloody lip. A's friend (an older girl who lives downstairs) brought him home, saying she had tried to stop the fight, but couldn't. While we were trying to stop the bleeding, this boy came to our door with a couple of friends to ask if A. was coming back out to play and I told him he was a bully, never to come to my door again and slammed the door in his face.

Once A's lip stopped bleeding, we had a long talk and he eventually told me what happened.

He called this boy the "R" word. A very hurtful and ignorant word that is not allowed in this house. I thought he understood why we find this word so offensive, but he didn't, only that was a bad name and so he used it on a boy who plays too rough for him. And instead of apologising when this boy got (rightly) upset and asked "do you want a fight?" A. said yes. "Because I didn't want to look like a wimp." Because he mixed up real life and computer games and thought he knew how to fight.

I told A. that I am disappointed in him for using hurtful words, that I think he should apologise next time he sees this boy and that I would like the chance to apologise too. I have tried to explain to him the difference between computer games and real life - it remains to be seen if he understands that yet.

So, I learned some lessons today:

1. Just because my child avoids conflict at home and at school, it doesn't mean he didn't start a fight with a boy he's scared of.
2. Just because a child plays rough and is a bit cheeky with me, it doesn't mean he's a bully.
3. I should keep my big mouth shut when I'm angry and find out what really happened before I go apportioning blame.
4. I can't sleep properly when I know I've been unjust (hence posting this at 5:30am in the hope that, having admitted it, I can snooze for a few more hours).

Because I won't always be there

Dear X, Y and Z,

I love you, and I know you mean well, but I need you to know that statements of the following kind are not helpful:

"Two children on the autistic spectrum? That must be so hard. No wonder you're depressed! Have you tried (insert scientifically questionable diet/therapy)?"

Firstly, all parenting is hard. That's kind of the point. To be responsible for another life is wonderful, terrifying and full of potential for making mistakes. My children's autism is not what makes it hard. What makes it hard are our struggles to communicate with and understand each other, the sudden (from my perspective) bursts of frustration and/or anger, the judgement of others and the lack of sleep due to one child's periodic bouts of noisy insomnia. None of these things are specific to autism.

Secondly, my depression has several causes, some of them going back to early childhood. If anything, my children being diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder helped to get it identified and treated: Coming into regular contact with Child Psychologists and Occupational Therapists got me a "preventative" referral to counselling. This meant that my depression was manageable without medication for several years.

Lastly, please don't give credence to scientifically unproven treatments and remedies. They detract attention and resources from where it's needed, i.e.

• Research into how best to help autistic adults be as productive and independent as they are capable of.
• Help to equip schools, colleges and workplaces to find a way of making inclusion work for everyone involved and providing good provision for those for whom full inclusion is not suitable.
• Killing off once and for all this idea of autism as the big bad bogey-man who cruelly steals your "normal" child from you.

It was the prevalence of this idea of autism that caused most of my heartache, despair and misplaced guilt in the early days of my older child's diagnosis. 

My children are not deficient, they are different. This means they have different strengths as well as difficulties and I love them as they are. It took me a while to accept autism and get over the worst of my fears, but I am getting there with the help of other parents and by reading the blogs of adults on the spectrum.

I am still learning. Still making mistakes. Still trying to balance the current needs of my children with preparing them to deal with the world as it is because I can't guarantee it will change. 

Because I won't always be there.

Mugs are important: update

A brief update for those who understand that Mugs are important

The hunt is still on for the mug to fill the place in my hands & heart formerly occupied by welly mug. But,for the princely sum of £1, I have a temporary, meets-part-of-my-criteria, tea hugger:

It's not "the one" but I have a soft spot for elephants. Especially colourful, fabric ones. And this one has an added bonus:

I get to wave an elephant's bum in people's faces whenever the mood takes me. This makes me happy. Childish, but happy.