I'm skirting around the edges of the dark place again. I have an urge to run away to somewhere quiet and cold and green with no distractions. My mind is filled with noise and heat and fear and disgust and it's exhausting just to be.
I have been avoiding speaking to people again. Writing, e-mails, text-messages etc. are all fine. I can control what I say and delay sending if I don't trust my state of mind when writing them, but face-to-face and phonecalls are a terrifying prospect at the moment.
The problem with feeling like this is that the very people I should be turning to, my family (both immediate and extended), are the ones I instinctively want to avoid because I am so scared of hurting, or being hurt by, them. They mean too much to me and I couldn't bear it. Anyone but them.
I know that this is unhealthy. I know that my brain is malfunctioning and playing tricks on me, but I don't have the energy at the moment to fight it. I am hoping that my CBT appointment next week will help me to find a way of being quiet and still despite the noise and chaos that surrounds me, because those things aren't going anywhere any time soon and I need to be able to manage my response to them.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
One of "THOSE" mums
Today I was one of “THOSE” mums:
The ones who are so disorganised and caught up in other things that they forget one child’s school is breaking up a day earlier than the other, and thus also closing 90mins earlier than usual.
The ones who are in a meeting and unable to take calls when their child’s school rings half-an-hour after all the other children have gone home.
The ones who arrive teary and out of breath within half-an-hour of receiving the call to find that the emergency contact has been called and has had to leave work because he too can’t reach anyone as my phone is engaged trying to ring the school back and my partner’s phone is on divert to mine because the battery died.
The ones who then have to spend ages reassuring their stressed-out, worried child that everything’s OK, nobody’s hurt and “wasn’t mummy silly for getting her days all mixed up”
The ones who always mess up in ways and at times that inconvenience the most people possible.
The ones you always hear being complained about by parents and teachers alike.
The ones you have probably complained about at one time or another (I know I have).
The ones who really wish that work life balance was truly achievable, rather than just appearing to be the case because the hours fit around each other when everything is going to plan.
Today I was one of “THOSE” mums, and it’s much, much worse being one than having to deal with the inconvenience caused by one.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Don't Panic!
This morning I had my first appointment for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I was so nervous about it that I left home without doing my usual last minute check to make sure I had everything. Big mistake.
The session itself was fine. As it was our first meeting, the whole hour was taken up with investigating why I had been referred, what I felt were the major issues I wanted to address and coming up with a statement of where I am now and where I would like to be.
It was only when I left that I realised my head was pounding from the effort of trying to put my feelings into words. It was a real struggle to answer some of the questions. There are some things about my current irrationality that I just don't understand (and I hated being put on the spot).
I decided to go home and have a cup of tea to calm myself down before heading to work, but found that I had left my door-keys at home. This set off an anxiety attack of exactly the type I had just tried to explain: my face went all hot, tears were flooding down my face and my breathing became very shallow & rapid. I sat on a bench in the churchyard near the Health Centre and just gave in to it. I couldn't do anything else. At least there was nobody else around to witness it.
Here's the bit where I become proud of myself:
I stopped.
I wiped my eyes clear of the tears, took a deep breath and thought about how I could make things right. I couldn't have done that two months ago. I am ready for this now.
So I am really hopeful that the CBT will help me to shorten (or ideally bypass completely) the bit where I panic and give in. I can be rational. I can fix things that go wrong. I just need to get to a place where I really believe this.
The session itself was fine. As it was our first meeting, the whole hour was taken up with investigating why I had been referred, what I felt were the major issues I wanted to address and coming up with a statement of where I am now and where I would like to be.
It was only when I left that I realised my head was pounding from the effort of trying to put my feelings into words. It was a real struggle to answer some of the questions. There are some things about my current irrationality that I just don't understand (and I hated being put on the spot).
I decided to go home and have a cup of tea to calm myself down before heading to work, but found that I had left my door-keys at home. This set off an anxiety attack of exactly the type I had just tried to explain: my face went all hot, tears were flooding down my face and my breathing became very shallow & rapid. I sat on a bench in the churchyard near the Health Centre and just gave in to it. I couldn't do anything else. At least there was nobody else around to witness it.
Here's the bit where I become proud of myself:
I stopped.
I wiped my eyes clear of the tears, took a deep breath and thought about how I could make things right. I couldn't have done that two months ago. I am ready for this now.
So I am really hopeful that the CBT will help me to shorten (or ideally bypass completely) the bit where I panic and give in. I can be rational. I can fix things that go wrong. I just need to get to a place where I really believe this.