The Dark Place

I'm skirting around the edges of the dark place again. I have an urge to run away to somewhere quiet and cold and green with no distractions. My mind is filled with noise and heat and fear and disgust and it's exhausting just to be.

I have been avoiding speaking to people again. Writing, e-mails, text-messages etc. are all fine. I can control what I say and delay sending if I don't trust my state of mind when writing them, but face-to-face and phonecalls are a terrifying prospect at the moment.

The problem with feeling like this is that the very people I should be turning to, my family (both immediate and extended), are the ones I instinctively want to avoid because I am so scared of hurting, or being hurt by, them. They mean too much to me and I couldn't bear it. Anyone but them.

I know that this is unhealthy. I know that my brain is malfunctioning and playing tricks on me, but I don't have the energy at the moment to fight it. I am hoping that my CBT appointment next week will help me to find a way of being quiet and still despite the noise and chaos that surrounds me, because those things aren't going anywhere any time soon and I need to be able to manage my response to them.