Because I won't always be there

Dear X, Y and Z,

I love you, and I know you mean well, but I need you to know that statements of the following kind are not helpful:

"Two children on the autistic spectrum? That must be so hard. No wonder you're depressed! Have you tried (insert scientifically questionable diet/therapy)?"

Firstly, all parenting is hard. That's kind of the point. To be responsible for another life is wonderful, terrifying and full of potential for making mistakes. My children's autism is not what makes it hard. What makes it hard are our struggles to communicate with and understand each other, the sudden (from my perspective) bursts of frustration and/or anger, the judgement of others and the lack of sleep due to one child's periodic bouts of noisy insomnia. None of these things are specific to autism.

Secondly, my depression has several causes, some of them going back to early childhood. If anything, my children being diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder helped to get it identified and treated: Coming into regular contact with Child Psychologists and Occupational Therapists got me a "preventative" referral to counselling. This meant that my depression was manageable without medication for several years.

Lastly, please don't give credence to scientifically unproven treatments and remedies. They detract attention and resources from where it's needed, i.e.

• Research into how best to help autistic adults be as productive and independent as they are capable of.
• Help to equip schools, colleges and workplaces to find a way of making inclusion work for everyone involved and providing good provision for those for whom full inclusion is not suitable.
• Killing off once and for all this idea of autism as the big bad bogey-man who cruelly steals your "normal" child from you.

It was the prevalence of this idea of autism that caused most of my heartache, despair and misplaced guilt in the early days of my older child's diagnosis. 

My children are not deficient, they are different. This means they have different strengths as well as difficulties and I love them as they are. It took me a while to accept autism and get over the worst of my fears, but I am getting there with the help of other parents and by reading the blogs of adults on the spectrum.

I am still learning. Still making mistakes. Still trying to balance the current needs of my children with preparing them to deal with the world as it is because I can't guarantee it will change. 

Because I won't always be there.