Being Selfish

I've hit the dark place again, the one that occasionally blindsides me and temporarily knocks all the colour out of my life, but this time it's affecting my ability to work and to cope with even the most minor of setbacks.

It's possible for me to feel like this and still appear outwardly OK. If I stay busy, or am out and about doing fun things, I'm absolutely fine. But when I stop and there's no one around to be strong for, it feels like my breath has been taken away and there's a sadness and emptiness that I just can't explain. Then the tears start, and they don't stop. And if they witness this, the people I love start to look concerned, which just makes it worse. So I try to hide the full intensity of it, because if I don't then I have other people's reactions to worry about and I just don't have the emotional resources to do that.

This is when I make contact with my counsellor and feel the intense relief of speaking to someone impartial, detached and to whom I can tell my darkest, scariest thoughts without fear. Someone who can be rational, unemotional and give me practical support and strategies to get back to where I need to be, to be well again. But this time she's not answering her phone and there's no answer service like there was before.

There are just too many demands sometimes. And I know people who cope better with worse situations and far less support than I do, but I can't help how I feel. I am now waiting to be assigned a new counsellor and trying to decide about medication when I'm really in no fit state to make any serious decisions. Besides, counselling alone has always been sufficient before, but then work was always my safe place and respite before.

Lately it has become a place of constant change, increasing demands and the culture change we are undergoing at the moment makes me fear that I cannot do what they require of me without turning into someone I hate. I am hoping that counselling will help me figure out whether I feel that way because I'm depressed, or I've become depressed because I feel that way. The thought of leaving a job I've done for the best part of 15 years scares me, but I'm even more scared of losing myself.

This is not a bid for sympathy or a cry for help. I will be fine. I know how this works and I have people, both friends and family, that I can call on when I'm ready to. Until now it's always been possible, and easier, to get through it without admitting to them what's going on. Because as much as they want to help and feel terrible that I don't ask, their emotions overwhelm me and make me feel worse.

If certain of these people read this, it will hurt them because I've not really spoken to them about it in any detail. And I'm sorry for that, but knowing that they all have their own problems to deal with makes the words stick in my throat when I try to tell them in person. I am comfortable owning up to my failings here. The act of writing rather than speaking allows me the distance I need in order to be honest.

I'm not sure if posting this is a good idea or not. I've already posted and almost instantly deleted it twice. But I've got a feeling I won't be able to write anything else until I get this out of my system and, who knows, it might even help.