Warning! Contains feelings

How are you?

This is the question I most dread. Do I give the usual, expected response: a variation on "fine thanks, how are you?" or do I tell the truth?

The truth is, my feelings (and sanity-levels) can change in a split-second. I spent most of the last 10 years not looking after myself and fooling myself into thinking I was making things easier for everyone else. In reality I was slowly disappearing and becoming little more than a cause & effect toy - "wind me up and watch me go."

I have been trying to rediscover some of the fearlessness of my younger self: the person once described in a letter from a friend as "infuriating, electric and restless." I barely remember her, but it was fun being her. She was generous, gregarious, reckless with friendships and useless with money (otherwise known as "young").

I've had some successes: I have a social life again - not as much as I would like, but it's early days yet. I have met some really lovely, amazing people over the last year-or-so and found a couple of new friends who, from day one, I felt comfortable with. Like I'd known them forever. Is that strange?

I am also reading again and loving every minute I spend with a good book. ALL of my boys are having trouble adjusting to this as I often get so lost in the narrative that I don't hear them clamouring for attention. It doesn't do them any harm to see me withdraw sometimes, in fact they seem to want my input more than ever now.

But the lows are still there. I'm still a little bit broken, but better than I was and in mending myself I am making my family stronger. I am writing this as a reminder to myself to stay on track. Because old, bad habits die hard and I can't afford to go back.