Envy

It's a funny thing, envy. I have so much to be happy about: Two beautiful children, a job that allows me the flexibility to work part-time and a wonderful partner who, even after 12 years together and knowing all of my many flaws, still loves me (and I him).

And I am happy, most of the time. But there are times (usually when life gets really noisy and the strain of dealing with one-too-many autistic meltdowns hits) when I really envy this woman:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't swap places. I have what I always wanted: a family of my own. But sometimes I really miss having long periods of solitude and the ability to read a book uninterrupted or go out somewhere at a moments notice just because I want to.

And yes, I know that I sound selfish and ungrateful, but I have finally realised that I will never be the perfect parent I want to be, that I am not always a nice person, that I often fail miserably as a family member and as a friend but I'm trying to forgive myself for that because, let's face it, who is? Maybe saying it out loud will make it easier to live with.